Torn

I'm so torn.  I love Dean and he loves and cherishes me.  I know this.  I wouldn't hurt him for anything.  But how can I let T go now?  I think T must be feeling much the same way.  Yes, connections ... I know he felt it, just is I did.  I suspect he is feeling as torn as I am.  I could see it in his eyes.  I could feel it emanating from him.  I don't know how Dean and Barbie couldn't see it -- they must have had their "blurry" glasses on to miss it because I thought T and I were completely transparent.  I know for the first few moments there, T and I were the only ones in the room. 

I did think his wife was charming and lovely, but really, she's nothing to me, so if it weren't for Dean, I wouldn't hesitate.  I don't know ... I'm afraid with T I'm weak.  I do want it to go further, but I don't think I can do that to Dean; I don't think I could stand the guilt.  Dean deserves better. 

I'm not going to pursue anything with T, and I don't think he will pursue me either, because I'm sure he doesn't want to risk his marriage any more than I want to risk mine.  I'm not going to cut him off either.  I guess we can at least stay in touch.  I will be surprised if he asks to actually see me in person though.  But if he does?  I just don't know.

Joy and Despair

Dean and I went out on Sunday night to see a band perform at a local nightclub because one of Dean's daughters was going to do a guest spot with one of the bands that night.  We got there early, got a couple of drinks, and scored the best table in the place.  A good 30 minutes before the first act, another couple, about our age, came and sat at the adjoining table.  I didn't really notice them much except to see that the man had walked away, and while he was gone the woman and I started chatting.  She said they were hungry and hadn't gotten dinner yet, and she was wondering if they had time to go somewhere before the band got started.  I told her about a restaurant just down the street, and just then the man came back and had brought a beer and a wine from the bar to the table.  I remember thinking to myself that they really didn't have time, especially since he had just spent a good $15 or $20 on those drinks, and they didn't have time to drink them, leave, get dinner and come back all in 20 minutes.

I glanced toward them a couple times just because I was looking for another couple we were supposed to meet, and they were in my line of site looking toward the door.  Not really thinking anything of them, not really seeing them, Dean and I were talking, when I heard someone say, rather softly, "Gabrielle?"  I turned toward the voice, and it was the man that I hadn't paid any real attention to, and I asked, "How do you know me?"  He closed his eyes and turned away, as if in pain, and I thought, "What an odd reaction ... why would this man react this way?"  Then he turned toward me again, and he looked at me, his eyes huge, just staring at me.  Pleading with me.  I thought, he looks at me as if he really thinks I should know him ... why?  Who is he?  And then, without really recognizing what I was looking at, a feeling just came over me, and I said, rather softly (so softly I don't know if I even made a sound), "Mr. T?"  This was so surreal -- an out-of-body experience -- we were the only two in existence.  And that's when I realized that my husband, and his wife, were just staring at us, and now they laughed because, well, I don't know why, perhaps because of our disbelief at seeing each other.  Our obvious shock.  

Now, why you ask is this of any importance at all?  Why would you be shocked to see someone?  I'll tell you ... because Mr. T was the love of my life.  My true soul-mate, if such a thing exists.  And Dean, and Mr. T's wife Barbie, they had, no idea of what we were, or of what they were truly seeing.  

I never thought I would ever see him again, and I'm sure he never thought he would see me again either.  We had moved on.  I was married to Dean and he was married to Barbie.  Oh, and that's another story.  But now, oh my God!  Now?  All these feelings have come pouring back in.  I'm so torn, and I could tell that he was too.  I don't know what will happen now.  I know I want to fall into his arms, I know my heart is weeping.  What joy to see him again.  What sorrow at this situation.  My Dean is so good, so wonderful, he cherishes me and adores me so.  He'd walk through fire for me, he'd give up his life for me.  And I love him so much.  He deserves the best from me, and I promised I would never cheat on him, and I meant it.  But oh, my God!  Now what?  Now what?  Oh joy -- oh despair!