How we Swing

Some people may think that as a swinger we are not picky about who we fuck.  Or that we don't care where or how we meet who we fuck.  That would be incorrect.  

As swingers we go to clubs and resorts, as well as house parties that are specifically for swingers.  We originally joined LifeStyles, which is an organization geared specifically toward the LifeStyle.  We don't meet people in bars or discos, at regular parties, etc.  People in bars, etc., have no idea of how to play or what the rules are.  Yes, there are rules to swinging.  One rule is that everything is up to the woman.  If she doesn't like something, then it's a no go.  

Listen up ladies -- swinging protects you!!!  Your word is law.  If you are uncomfortable in a situation, all you have to do is speak up.  If you are in a reputable group of swingers, they will make sure your needs are taken care of.  

My personal favorite is going to resorts, either swing resorts, or regular resorts where we have a "takeover" planned.  

My favorite resort is actually in Mexico, but we haven't been there in years because of 9/11.  After 9/11 that resort went out of business due to travel constraints, and the airline that took us there went out of business.  So sad, it was in a beautiful little town, a lovely resort, and we met the most wonderful people there.  

We've gone to a number of conventions in Vegas and Reno, but we really don't enjoy the conventions much, so it's been a while since we've been to one.  

We often act as a host couple or care team members when we go to events.  Some people might think we're crazy to give up our time to do this, but (1) we get a break in the cost of the convention for doing this, and (2) we really have a great opportunity to meet more people this way.  

Condoms are an absolute must!  No condom, no play!  Not everyone in the LifeStyle feels this way, but that's definitely one of our rules. 

A lot of women in the LifeStyle are bisexual.  I think many couples get into it so the lady can indulge in woman on woman play, and the man can watch, if not actually participate.  Me, I prefer dick to pussy, but I'm never rude to a lady.  No, I won't munch her muff, but I have no problem at all if she wants to munch mine.  

Dean and I also have a secret code, so that if one of us feels uncomfortable in any situation, all we have to do is say the code phrase (no one else knows what it is except for me and Dean), and we will gently extricate ourselves from the situation without hurting anyone's feelings.  A code word, or a code phrase, is highly recommended.  

Do you swing?  If you don't, are you curious about it?  If you do swing, how do you swing?

No Telling

I have considered telling Dean about Mr. T, but I've decided against it.  I think the time has passed for me to tell him.  If I said something now he would wonder why I didn't say something before.

It's because I love Dean that I won't say anything.  After all, if Dean and I ran into some lady who had been the love of his life, and he was longing to be with her, wishing that they had never ended, I don't think I would want to know that.

I still don't think anything will happen with me and Mr. T.  Like I've said before, I'm sure he doesn't want to risk his marriage any more than I want to risk mine.  I consider my marriage to be a blessing, and Dean and I really do cherish each other.

Doing Better

It's been about a week and a half since I saw T, and I think I'm starting to recover.  I'm not crying anymore, so that's good.  Best to avoid each other, I think.

But I did figure out a way to have my cake and eat it too, if T decided he wanted to go there (I won't approach this with him myself).  Since Dean and I are swingers, I could just tell Dean that I want to play with T and he would be okay with that (but he would really want to join us).

But if I do that, and if I don't tell Dean what T and I were to each other, then I still feel like I would be cheating on Dean, because with T, it would really be so much more than "playing".  In that case, I suspect Dean might say that he doesn't want me to, and I wouldn't blame him.

What do you think?  What would you do in my situation?

Real-Time

This really is real-time.  Sometimes I write about things in the past, but this is happening right now.

I know better than to see T in person, but I really can't bear to lose touch with him again.  We were lovers for so long, and due to stupid choices we finally went our separate ways.  So much of that was my own fault.

I already lost him for so many years.  We are emailing a little.  We are keeping it light.  We are NOT sharing our feelings.  We are not talking on the phone, or in person.

In the morning, as I drive myself to work, I find tears streaming down my face because I'm heartbroken at this situation.

I cannot hurt my husband, so I can't see T.  I know I won't have the strength to say no to him if he wanted to go to a hotel room, therefore I will avoid him.  But don't worry, if I do run into him (by happenstance only), and we do end up in a hotel room, yes I will write about it.

A comfort or a curse?

I told my best friend about running into T and his wife on Sunday, and she asked me if I felt that seeing him again was a comfort or a curse.  

A comfort or a curse?  I hadn't thought of it that way. 

Have you ever seen The Thornbirds (Movie) or Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV Show)?  

In The Thornbirds, I always thought the man and woman were fools.  He (the priest) didn't have a person in his life he would hurt if he chose to be with the woman he loved.  But he was a priest, so he refrained.  The woman just loved this stupid priest and wouldn't really move on with her life.  At the time, I thought they were both amazingly irritating and stupid!  But I can understand now how they were unable to truly move on.  If they had been on separate parts of the planet and didn't ever see each other maybe it would have been easier for them.

In Buffy, Angel (the vampire with a soul) would lose his soul if he ever experienced true joy.  Therefore, he couldn't be with the woman he loved (Buffy) because he would lose his soul (this was a gypsy curse).  I feel a lot like Angel in this situation ... if I experience true joy with T, I will lose my soul.  Yes, I think seeing him again is a little like a curse ... an incredibly cruel joke that the universe has decided to play on me at this time in my life when I'm with Dean, and I love Dean, and we have a great marriage.  

If this had happened when Dean and I were having serious problems, this would be a no-brainer.  But Dean and I are in a good place.  

Dammit!  I want my cake and eat it too!  And I'm seriously, completely, and devastatingly in love with this particular cake.  

Torn

I'm so torn.  I love Dean and he loves and cherishes me.  I know this.  I wouldn't hurt him for anything.  But how can I let T go now?  I think T must be feeling much the same way.  Yes, connections ... I know he felt it, just is I did.  I suspect he is feeling as torn as I am.  I could see it in his eyes.  I could feel it emanating from him.  I don't know how Dean and Barbie couldn't see it -- they must have had their "blurry" glasses on to miss it because I thought T and I were completely transparent.  I know for the first few moments there, T and I were the only ones in the room. 

I did think his wife was charming and lovely, but really, she's nothing to me, so if it weren't for Dean, I wouldn't hesitate.  I don't know ... I'm afraid with T I'm weak.  I do want it to go further, but I don't think I can do that to Dean; I don't think I could stand the guilt.  Dean deserves better. 

I'm not going to pursue anything with T, and I don't think he will pursue me either, because I'm sure he doesn't want to risk his marriage any more than I want to risk mine.  I'm not going to cut him off either.  I guess we can at least stay in touch.  I will be surprised if he asks to actually see me in person though.  But if he does?  I just don't know.

Joy and Despair

Dean and I went out on Sunday night to see a band perform at a local nightclub because one of Dean's daughters was going to do a guest spot with one of the bands that night.  We got there early, got a couple of drinks, and scored the best table in the place.  A good 30 minutes before the first act, another couple, about our age, came and sat at the adjoining table.  I didn't really notice them much except to see that the man had walked away, and while he was gone the woman and I started chatting.  She said they were hungry and hadn't gotten dinner yet, and she was wondering if they had time to go somewhere before the band got started.  I told her about a restaurant just down the street, and just then the man came back and had brought a beer and a wine from the bar to the table.  I remember thinking to myself that they really didn't have time, especially since he had just spent a good $15 or $20 on those drinks, and they didn't have time to drink them, leave, get dinner and come back all in 20 minutes.

I glanced toward them a couple times just because I was looking for another couple we were supposed to meet, and they were in my line of site looking toward the door.  Not really thinking anything of them, not really seeing them, Dean and I were talking, when I heard someone say, rather softly, "Gabrielle?"  I turned toward the voice, and it was the man that I hadn't paid any real attention to, and I asked, "How do you know me?"  He closed his eyes and turned away, as if in pain, and I thought, "What an odd reaction ... why would this man react this way?"  Then he turned toward me again, and he looked at me, his eyes huge, just staring at me.  Pleading with me.  I thought, he looks at me as if he really thinks I should know him ... why?  Who is he?  And then, without really recognizing what I was looking at, a feeling just came over me, and I said, rather softly (so softly I don't know if I even made a sound), "Mr. T?"  This was so surreal -- an out-of-body experience -- we were the only two in existence.  And that's when I realized that my husband, and his wife, were just staring at us, and now they laughed because, well, I don't know why, perhaps because of our disbelief at seeing each other.  Our obvious shock.  

Now, why you ask is this of any importance at all?  Why would you be shocked to see someone?  I'll tell you ... because Mr. T was the love of my life.  My true soul-mate, if such a thing exists.  And Dean, and Mr. T's wife Barbie, they had, no idea of what we were, or of what they were truly seeing.  

I never thought I would ever see him again, and I'm sure he never thought he would see me again either.  We had moved on.  I was married to Dean and he was married to Barbie.  Oh, and that's another story.  But now, oh my God!  Now?  All these feelings have come pouring back in.  I'm so torn, and I could tell that he was too.  I don't know what will happen now.  I know I want to fall into his arms, I know my heart is weeping.  What joy to see him again.  What sorrow at this situation.  My Dean is so good, so wonderful, he cherishes me and adores me so.  He'd walk through fire for me, he'd give up his life for me.  And I love him so much.  He deserves the best from me, and I promised I would never cheat on him, and I meant it.  But oh, my God!  Now what?  Now what?  Oh joy -- oh despair!