Real-Time

This really is real-time.  Sometimes I write about things in the past, but this is happening right now.

I know better than to see T in person, but I really can't bear to lose touch with him again.  We were lovers for so long, and due to stupid choices we finally went our separate ways.  So much of that was my own fault.

I already lost him for so many years.  We are emailing a little.  We are keeping it light.  We are NOT sharing our feelings.  We are not talking on the phone, or in person.

In the morning, as I drive myself to work, I find tears streaming down my face because I'm heartbroken at this situation.

I cannot hurt my husband, so I can't see T.  I know I won't have the strength to say no to him if he wanted to go to a hotel room, therefore I will avoid him.  But don't worry, if I do run into him (by happenstance only), and we do end up in a hotel room, yes I will write about it.

A comfort or a curse?

I told my best friend about running into T and his wife on Sunday, and she asked me if I felt that seeing him again was a comfort or a curse.  

A comfort or a curse?  I hadn't thought of it that way. 

Have you ever seen The Thornbirds (Movie) or Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV Show)?  

In The Thornbirds, I always thought the man and woman were fools.  He (the priest) didn't have a person in his life he would hurt if he chose to be with the woman he loved.  But he was a priest, so he refrained.  The woman just loved this stupid priest and wouldn't really move on with her life.  At the time, I thought they were both amazingly irritating and stupid!  But I can understand now how they were unable to truly move on.  If they had been on separate parts of the planet and didn't ever see each other maybe it would have been easier for them.

In Buffy, Angel (the vampire with a soul) would lose his soul if he ever experienced true joy.  Therefore, he couldn't be with the woman he loved (Buffy) because he would lose his soul (this was a gypsy curse).  I feel a lot like Angel in this situation ... if I experience true joy with T, I will lose my soul.  Yes, I think seeing him again is a little like a curse ... an incredibly cruel joke that the universe has decided to play on me at this time in my life when I'm with Dean, and I love Dean, and we have a great marriage.  

If this had happened when Dean and I were having serious problems, this would be a no-brainer.  But Dean and I are in a good place.  

Dammit!  I want my cake and eat it too!  And I'm seriously, completely, and devastatingly in love with this particular cake.  

Torn

I'm so torn.  I love Dean and he loves and cherishes me.  I know this.  I wouldn't hurt him for anything.  But how can I let T go now?  I think T must be feeling much the same way.  Yes, connections ... I know he felt it, just is I did.  I suspect he is feeling as torn as I am.  I could see it in his eyes.  I could feel it emanating from him.  I don't know how Dean and Barbie couldn't see it -- they must have had their "blurry" glasses on to miss it because I thought T and I were completely transparent.  I know for the first few moments there, T and I were the only ones in the room. 

I did think his wife was charming and lovely, but really, she's nothing to me, so if it weren't for Dean, I wouldn't hesitate.  I don't know ... I'm afraid with T I'm weak.  I do want it to go further, but I don't think I can do that to Dean; I don't think I could stand the guilt.  Dean deserves better. 

I'm not going to pursue anything with T, and I don't think he will pursue me either, because I'm sure he doesn't want to risk his marriage any more than I want to risk mine.  I'm not going to cut him off either.  I guess we can at least stay in touch.  I will be surprised if he asks to actually see me in person though.  But if he does?  I just don't know.

Joy and Despair

Dean and I went out on Sunday night to see a band perform at a local nightclub because one of Dean's daughters was going to do a guest spot with one of the bands that night.  We got there early, got a couple of drinks, and scored the best table in the place.  A good 30 minutes before the first act, another couple, about our age, came and sat at the adjoining table.  I didn't really notice them much except to see that the man had walked away, and while he was gone the woman and I started chatting.  She said they were hungry and hadn't gotten dinner yet, and she was wondering if they had time to go somewhere before the band got started.  I told her about a restaurant just down the street, and just then the man came back and had brought a beer and a wine from the bar to the table.  I remember thinking to myself that they really didn't have time, especially since he had just spent a good $15 or $20 on those drinks, and they didn't have time to drink them, leave, get dinner and come back all in 20 minutes.

I glanced toward them a couple times just because I was looking for another couple we were supposed to meet, and they were in my line of site looking toward the door.  Not really thinking anything of them, not really seeing them, Dean and I were talking, when I heard someone say, rather softly, "Gabrielle?"  I turned toward the voice, and it was the man that I hadn't paid any real attention to, and I asked, "How do you know me?"  He closed his eyes and turned away, as if in pain, and I thought, "What an odd reaction ... why would this man react this way?"  Then he turned toward me again, and he looked at me, his eyes huge, just staring at me.  Pleading with me.  I thought, he looks at me as if he really thinks I should know him ... why?  Who is he?  And then, without really recognizing what I was looking at, a feeling just came over me, and I said, rather softly (so softly I don't know if I even made a sound), "Mr. T?"  This was so surreal -- an out-of-body experience -- we were the only two in existence.  And that's when I realized that my husband, and his wife, were just staring at us, and now they laughed because, well, I don't know why, perhaps because of our disbelief at seeing each other.  Our obvious shock.  

Now, why you ask is this of any importance at all?  Why would you be shocked to see someone?  I'll tell you ... because Mr. T was the love of my life.  My true soul-mate, if such a thing exists.  And Dean, and Mr. T's wife Barbie, they had, no idea of what we were, or of what they were truly seeing.  

I never thought I would ever see him again, and I'm sure he never thought he would see me again either.  We had moved on.  I was married to Dean and he was married to Barbie.  Oh, and that's another story.  But now, oh my God!  Now?  All these feelings have come pouring back in.  I'm so torn, and I could tell that he was too.  I don't know what will happen now.  I know I want to fall into his arms, I know my heart is weeping.  What joy to see him again.  What sorrow at this situation.  My Dean is so good, so wonderful, he cherishes me and adores me so.  He'd walk through fire for me, he'd give up his life for me.  And I love him so much.  He deserves the best from me, and I promised I would never cheat on him, and I meant it.  But oh, my God!  Now what?  Now what?  Oh joy -- oh despair! 

Outdoor Sex!!!

I was reading someone else's blog, and he was talking about outdoor sex.  I LOVE outdoor sex!  It's just so, well, sensual!

Two experiences cum to mind immediately:

1. In a park
2. On my boat

In a Park / At the Lake

When I was married to my first husband, I had taken a lover who (I believe) was my soul-mate.  Well, if you believe in soul-mates, that is.  And who knows?  Maybe if we had been husband and wife I wouldn't have ended up feeling that way, but that never happened ... however, I digress.

My lover and I decided to go away for a weekend, which is no easy task when you have a husband and your lover has a wife.  You have to come up with an alibi, of course, and so I used my best friend for this purpose (she was only happy to be my alibi).  I had no idea what Mr. T told his wife, nor did I really care.  All I knew was that I was going to get away from the real world for a while with my lover.  

We took my car (he parked his in a shopping center parking lot, and we just hoped it would be there when we returned), and drove to a charming little town that looked an awful lot like the old west.  We got a room at a nice hotel with a fabulous hot tub inside the bedroom, and of course, we had a wonderful time there!  But this is about outdoor sex, so we won't be talking about the indoor sex (for now).  We packed up a picnic basket and drove to a nearby lake where we found a nice little spot on the grass under a tree.  We spread out our blanket, and spread out our lunch, and ate.  No, I mean we ate the food, silly!  I was wearing a dress (for easy access, of course!).  The dress was a creamy white color with a bold fuchsia-colored rose pattern and fuchsia-colored collar, belt, and bow; extremely feminine!  The skirt itself was very full and not too long (or too short, for that matter).  

After we ate our lunch and drank some wine, we were feeling very relaxed.  We knew there were people around us; we could hear voices and laughter, but there was no one in sight.  I gave him that sassy little look, and he knew what I had on my mind.  I placed my hand on the bulge inside his pants and began stroking him.  He groaned and rolled his eyes back, then said, "Are you crazy!?  We can't be doing this here!"  I looked around and said, "Why not?  Do you see anyone?"  He said, "No, but someone could come by at any moment."  I answered that by unzipping his pants, pulling his beautiful, thick, hard, throbbing cock out of his pants, lifting up my skirt (just enough), straddling him, and planting myself firmly on his lap with my legs wrapped around his waist.  Then I lowered my skirt, giving our grinding groins complete shelter.  If anyone did see us, they certainly could not see what we were doing!  They probably could have figured it out, but they couldn't see.  

There we sat, me on his lap, his cock filling my wet pussy, gazing into each others eyes, devouring each other's mouths, gently moving our hips together, quietly fucking each other into waves of ecstasy.  After we finished, we didn't immediately disengage, we simply held each other ... until I noticed a tiny snake slithering by us in the grass.  We didn't move until it was past, but I'm sure it wasn't poisonous, and I don't think it even knew we were there.  But once it passed, we figured that was our warning ... after all, you simply can't ignore a snake in the Garden of Eden! 

On My Boat / On the Ocean

Being naked outdoors is such a sensuous feeling!  And out in the middle of the ocean (well, not really the middle, but about 15 miles offshore anyway), who's to see?  So Dean and I were out on the boat, just the two of us, and we decided to take advantage of the situation (and of each other!).  There was no one around, except for the pod of dolphins playing around the boat.  I know we could have gone into the cabin of the boat, but that just didn't sound like as much fun.  

So naked on the deck, and hot from the sun, I sat back on a cushioned seat with a towel under me and began playing with my clit.  I looked Dean in the eye with that cum hither look that simply can't be ignored!  Dean, also naked, took one of the cushions and laid it on the deck in front of me and put another towel down on it, kneel-ed down in front of my wide-spread legs.  Bending forward, he gently sucked my clit into his mouth, and I took my fingers and spread my lips to give him easier access.  As I looked down to see his head between my legs, he looked me in the eyes and slid his finger into my glistening, wet pussy, pressing on my G-Spot and licking me into a frenzy!  

We could hear a small airplane approaching, probably thinking they would use our boat as a pivot point.  As a pilot myself, I used to do that too, when I used to fly (I stopped flying after my son was born).  It's simply good practice.  Dean and I looked at each other and read each other's minds without saying a word ... do we stop and put our clothes on?  And at the same instant, we both came to the same conclusion that we didn't want to stop, this felt too good, so fuck 'em ... if they didn't want to see, they didn't have to watch!  

Now I wanted to suck on his cock, and the sound of that airplane started to fade into the background.  So I had him stand up in front of me to put him at the right level, and I leaned forward and bent down, not going directly for his cock, but instead teasing his balls, the crease between his balls and his inner thigh, the space between his balls and his anus, and finally, after teasing his shaft, and the head, finally I sucked his cock deep into my mouth.  When he couldn't stand it anymore, he lifted me off the seat, turned me around, bent me over, and shoved his cock inside of my dripping, throbbing pussy, and fucked me silly from behind.  Only after we came (me several times) and finished did we realize that the stupid little airplane was still circling overhead.

What the heck?  We gave them a really good show -- I'm just glad they didn't crash!

Have you ever had outdoor sex?  What was your experience?  Please share with me -- after all, I shared with you. 

A Night at the Club

The other night Dean and I did what I swore I'd never do again -- we went to the club where he works as a DJ!  I know, I said I'd never go back again because I don't like the way he treats me (meaning, he ignores me, and is even unpleasant toward me) at the club.  He's such a social butterfly and always the center of attention, which he loves, so he just doesn't have time for me when I go.  Then when I get upset at being ignored he gets rude.  

But he really wanted me to go with him that night because it was a big deal for the club; it was their one-year anniversary.  And since the owners of the club are my friends, I really did want to celebrate it with them.  It was actually a black tie affair, so it was an opportunity to put on ball gowns and tuxes, and have a very elegant evening.

I must say, Dean was totally attentive and very sweet to me (I guess he decided that my complaints about the way he had treated me before were worth paying attention to if he wanted me to come back).  And everyone was really great in fact!  Like I've said before, most of the club regulars don't really know me, so they tend to ignore me, but since Dean was paying attention to me (for a change) and being very sweet, they must have realized I was his wife, and they all wanted to meet me.  Of course, they all wanted to tell me how wonderful Dean is; what a great guy, what a great DJ (all things I really knew anyway).  

But there is one woman at the club, whom I really do like, but who I also really get tired of pretty quickly after she's been drinking.  Every time I have gone in the past she has had to tell me what a pervert Dean is!  That always upsets me, because even though I don't really think he's playing without me (which is against our rules), it just bugs the crap out of me that she always says it.  I guess she thinks it's sexy or something.  

A few days later though when I was out at a "girls only" event (always very fun), I mentioned it to my friends, and they all vehemently protested, saying, "You can't listen to Kate!  She's drunk!  She says that about everyone!  Dean is always such a gentleman!"  Even though I always pretty much figured this to be the case, it really was gratifying to hear them all say that.  I love my lady friends; I will tell you, swingers are really the nicest, sweetest, most kind and generous, not to mention honest people I know.  

Do you know any swingers?  Or maybe I should ask, do you know anyone you know are swingers?  There are more of them around than you may realize.

Confidence and Insecurity

It is amazing feeling to find someone who understands you, someone you can be yourself with, someone you don’t have to hide your true self from.  That’s the way it is with me and Dean.  All people are weirdo’s in one way or another.  We all have our secrets.  We all have our strange (well, to other people anyway) behaviors.  It’s nice to find someone who loves you no matter what.

Sometimes you just connect with one person in a way you cannot connect with someone else.  Part of it could be that you have a history together; a common ground, having gone to the same school, grown up in the same neighborhood, maybe travel in the same circles, etc.  It was that way with me and Dean.  We have known each other since we were in high school, and he even knew my first husband in Jr. high (didn’t like him, but knew him).

When I was single and dating (after my first husband left me), I was seeing numerous men at the same time, and I was honest with all of them.  No, I told them, they were not the only man in my life, or in my bed, and I didn’t expect to be the only woman in their lives or their beds.  This always worked to my advantage; I’m telling you, those men loved being with me!  They knew they were with a confident, sexy, independent woman, and they loved that.  They never felt trapped or pressured or suffocated by me, like they did by so many other women.  I don't think men like to be with insecure women, but what do you think?  

Do you like to be with secure, confident people, or do you prefer them to lack confidence?  What is it you like about it? 

It can be hard to trust a man (or a woman0 if you’ve been hurt before; hard to believe the things s/he tells you.  I had that same problem myself when I first started seeing Dean and began falling in love; I felt like he was too good to be true, and I just had to give us some time to make sure.  In a new relationship, I believe it's important to give yourself lots of time  and not to rush into anything.  If it is meant to be, then it will be.  Time will tell. 

It's been my experience that the less you act like you want to commit, the more likely the other person will want to commit.  The more elusive you are, they more the other person will chase you.  Unless a man puts a ring on your finger (and I mean a diamond ring that came with a promise and a proposal), you don’t have to stop dating (or fucking) other men (unless you have already promised him you’ll stop dating other men, and then I'm sorry for you).  I believe a man is far less likely to get bored with a woman he sees as exciting, and when you’re dating other men, you are more exciting to other men.  

Do you feel that way, or not?  And if you feel that way also, why do you think that is? 

I would love to hear your thoughts about this.